Happy Father's Day.

Father's Day has a different meaning to me.
i guess i see father's differently then i use too.
i see my father differently.
i think as a child you see your dad come home from work and think nothing of it.
you think that's just what he does cause he is the provider.
it's what he's "suppose" to be doing.

my dad on the left. 

last year i got some insight on what it's like to be this provider we see come home.
i worked the nine to five job learning something i had no clue how to do.
i sat at a desk frustrated with myself and my brain.
marketing...studying, breaking down stats and google analytics.
i remember feeling helpless. that no one would get it.
and then i remembered someone who would. my dad.
i remember calling him one night after another frustrating day at the office.
i was walking the aisles of target (it's my go to when i need to calm down).
i called him holding back the tears of frustration of not being able to JUST quit my job.
i couldn't because i was the provider. if i quit then how would we pay rent, utilities, groceries, student loans, and credit card.
i was complaining to my dad about how it's so hard being this "provider".
the pressure i felt to be happy and good at my job.

my dad on the left

he said "now you get it"
i got it. boy did i get it.
he told me of his same frustrating days at Procter and Gamble.

how he worked 12 hour days. how he had an assignment turned back to him 12 times to edit. i told him how many times i had to correct my work and he got it. he said it's apart of the job. i thought to myself how do these providers do it? every. single. day.
and they can't just quit. they can't.
they can't fail.

the pressure is horrible. it made me feel trapped. like i had no other choice.
and then it hit me. i got what he did everyday. even if he hated it. even if he thought he was bad at it.
he still did it cause he wanted to give us a life.

my dad on the right

i got off the phone with him not knowing of my tears.
i hung up and sobbed. how did he do it? i thought.
how do father's do it? how did my father do it?
i think we take them for granted.
I KNOW WE DO.

my dad on left with my grandma

i did. i thought it was easy. how could i have been so wrong. maybe i wasn't "wrong" maybe i just didn't know any better.
i think to really understand you have to LIVE it.
i lived it and hated it. in fact I couldn't take it. the pressure of paying the bills. i paid every single one. all 12 of them. by myself.
now we do it together. i don't want just one of us to hold the burden & stress of all the finances.
we now have "finance night" (that's so something my dad would do). at the first of everything month we go over everything. our monthly goals and long term goals. we pay the bills together. my dad taught me to never be in the dark. i'm so glad i can see the light of reality. what it costs to live. i know many women that have a provider in their homes and have not a clue about the costs. perhaps they think they know, but it's different when your doing it.
even though it was hard being the provider for that short time (it felt like an eternity).
i'm grateful because of the knowledge and sympathy i gained about the person i saw but never understood.

my dad with his eyes closed. (looks like joe in this pic i think)

i remember my dad saying before i hung up that night that it was good because now i will respect and love andrew more when he is the provider. and that i will appreciate him when he walks through the door and that i will get it. my dad was right (say what?). he was right... i do, i really get what it takes to be a provider. my gratitude for andrew is at a whole new level now.

all this being said, i just want to give my dad a round of applause for all those years of being the provider in my life. thank you pops for never giving up. even after your 12th edit. even when you felt like you didn't have a life because you were so busy working to give someone else a life. thank you for putting int he extra hours when you were hungry and tired and your brain hurt from thinking too much. when you looked at the clock & wished you could be home. when you felt like no one was grateful for your hard work. thank you, i'm grateful now cause i get it. sorry it took me so long. love you dad thanks for being patient. it was worth all those hours at the office because you gave me a life. i'm grateful for the life you provided for me.

i'm the chubby one down in front

now enjoy some adorbs pics of my dad: 

(thanks to uncle doug's albums of photos)

HB, don't ya think your dad looks a little like asher in this pic?

high school graduation

okay i love this pic. maybe it's because it's a pic i had never seen before until a few months ago.
or maybe it's because my grandma's dress is fabulous. or maybe it's because my dad and his older brother look like little dolls. so cute in matching outfits.